Its been awhile since I have posted and for the most part have been feeling pretty uninspired. Not just when it comes to writing but when it comes to life. I have been in, what I have been calling ,a funk. Not sure really what its all about and where it came from but its here and at this point I am just trying to ride it out.
I think part of it has to do with all of the changes that have happened in the past year. I mean I have found I was pregnant, got engaged, moved to a new house and neighborhood, started a new job, had a baby, got married, lost said job, had surgery, turned 30, and now here I am.
A full fledged stay at home who feels completely out of her element.
I know I am not the only one out there, I just dont know if I am the only one who is terrified to make new friends. Being a parent is competetive and uncomfortable and honestly I am not here to compete. Its not in me. I just want to meet new people who love being a parent as much as I do, who dont feel the need to go tit for tat. I really just want to fit in.
And lately I dont feel like I do. I have met some really great people but I have no idea how to engage them in activities outside of our kids. I feel like I am imposing, I get awkward and unsure of myself even more.
I am not sure I have ever said it outloud but sometimes I am not really sure how many friends I have and who my friends are. I feel like I have more aquaintances than anything and honestly its a little bit lonely.
So thats all I've got. A funk...hopefully it will go away soon, but until then I am just going to ride it out.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
That ol' ball and chain
So we finally did it. After 8 years, 2 dogs, 2 cats, a house, a car, and an amazing little girl and we finally did it. Tied the knot, got hitched, walked down the aisle. For the rest of his life Mike now has his very own ball and chain.
In all seriousness though, it was amazing. It was beautiful in its simplicity, and really I couldnt have asked for a more perfect weekend. Sure there were moments that werent so perfect but at this moment I cant really remember them. I just remember standing with Michael and saying vows (and putting the ring on the wrong hand.) and feeling like this was how it was supposed to be. So before I get too sappy, because its bound to happen, I am just going to post some pictures.
In all seriousness though, it was amazing. It was beautiful in its simplicity, and really I couldnt have asked for a more perfect weekend. Sure there were moments that werent so perfect but at this moment I cant really remember them. I just remember standing with Michael and saying vows (and putting the ring on the wrong hand.) and feeling like this was how it was supposed to be. So before I get too sappy, because its bound to happen, I am just going to post some pictures.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Flashback Friday
Technically its not friday anymore but I have been swamped all day. Who knew adding one tiny person to the mix could create such chaos when it came to traveling??
Anyways...fridays will be my flashback and this week I have been thinking alot about what life as like as a kid. Also wishing I was as cute as I used to be. So without further ado...Let me introduce you to me (and my rotten brothers) just a short 24 years ago.
If I only knew then what I know now......I probably wouldnt have changed a thing.
Anyways...fridays will be my flashback and this week I have been thinking alot about what life as like as a kid. Also wishing I was as cute as I used to be. So without further ado...Let me introduce you to me (and my rotten brothers) just a short 24 years ago.
If I only knew then what I know now......I probably wouldnt have changed a thing.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Silent Wednesdays
I am totally stealing this idea from a friend from high school. Every Wednesday she skips writing a post and just leaves pictures. So folks for this wednesday that is what I am doing. Hope you enjoy them as much as I do.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Love of a child
I gave birth to Logan on March 17, 2010. She weighed in at a whopping 12lbs 13oz and was a little over 22 inches long. She was a huge bundle of baby love.
For the months leading up to her birth I agonized over whether or not I would have enough love inside myself to give. The few times I voiced this out loud to anyone I was always quickly reassured that as soon as they put her in my arms all of my doubts would go away and I would be filled with this unimaginable love. So off I went through the rest of my pregnancy constantly reassuring myself that yes of course as soon as they put her in your arms you will be complete.
And then I had her..I held her in my arms..and instantly had no idea what the hell was going on. I didn't feel that maternal surge that everyone kept talking about. I mean she was gorgeous in her own smooshy faced way. I instantly recognized myself in her but I just didn't become as overwhelmed as I thought I would. I was in awe but not yet in love, and extremely confused. The surge of emotions that I felt came out of nowhere. For the next few weeks I found myself crying for no apparent reason, exhausted beyond belief and had this overwhelming sense of guilt for being over the moon in love with my child. And then towards the end of April, I ended up in the ER with what I thought was a heart attack, (ended up being gallstones, but that's an entirely different post). I had to spend the night away from Logan and Mike for the first time in over 9 months ( if you include the time I was pregnant) and the entire time all I could think about was Logan (and Mike). If I died would she ever know how much I really loved her?
This was ground breaking for me. Because even though I hadn't realized it I had fallen head over heels in love with my daughter. She became in that moment one of the most important things in my life.
You might wonder where the hell I am going with this post. And really I don't know. I was just standing in her doorway today watching Mike feed her and thinking holy shit, I love the crap out of those two. I finally realized what all of those people were talking about. It might not have happened right away the second I touched her,but it happened.It snuck up on me in a way I never thought it would.
So anyways, I am sure by writing this I am not making the best impression, but I feel like its one of those things that people don't talk enough about. Becoming a parent is different for everyone. It involves emotions that are beyond complex and totally impossible to understand at times but hey its life.
So we roll with punches and take each day one step at a time. And occasionally we give ourselves permission to not be so hard on ourselves. But only occasionally......
For the months leading up to her birth I agonized over whether or not I would have enough love inside myself to give. The few times I voiced this out loud to anyone I was always quickly reassured that as soon as they put her in my arms all of my doubts would go away and I would be filled with this unimaginable love. So off I went through the rest of my pregnancy constantly reassuring myself that yes of course as soon as they put her in your arms you will be complete.
And then I had her..I held her in my arms..and instantly had no idea what the hell was going on. I didn't feel that maternal surge that everyone kept talking about. I mean she was gorgeous in her own smooshy faced way. I instantly recognized myself in her but I just didn't become as overwhelmed as I thought I would. I was in awe but not yet in love, and extremely confused. The surge of emotions that I felt came out of nowhere. For the next few weeks I found myself crying for no apparent reason, exhausted beyond belief and had this overwhelming sense of guilt for being over the moon in love with my child. And then towards the end of April, I ended up in the ER with what I thought was a heart attack, (ended up being gallstones, but that's an entirely different post). I had to spend the night away from Logan and Mike for the first time in over 9 months ( if you include the time I was pregnant) and the entire time all I could think about was Logan (and Mike). If I died would she ever know how much I really loved her?
This was ground breaking for me. Because even though I hadn't realized it I had fallen head over heels in love with my daughter. She became in that moment one of the most important things in my life.
You might wonder where the hell I am going with this post. And really I don't know. I was just standing in her doorway today watching Mike feed her and thinking holy shit, I love the crap out of those two. I finally realized what all of those people were talking about. It might not have happened right away the second I touched her,but it happened.It snuck up on me in a way I never thought it would.
So anyways, I am sure by writing this I am not making the best impression, but I feel like its one of those things that people don't talk enough about. Becoming a parent is different for everyone. It involves emotions that are beyond complex and totally impossible to understand at times but hey its life.
So we roll with punches and take each day one step at a time. And occasionally we give ourselves permission to not be so hard on ourselves. But only occasionally......
Sunday, July 11, 2010
First things first
This is the first day of the rest of your life....
Isnt that what people always say when you are starting off on some new adventure? If thats the case my friends then this year has had and is going to have alot of those.
Today for instance may not be the first day of the rest of my life but it is certainly the first day of me getting back into blogging. Not that I ever really started but who's paying attention.
I cant promise to blog everyday or even every other day. I can promise to try and be entertaining, insightful and perhaps for the most part a little self loathing. I also promise to post numerous pictures of life, because as I start off on my new adventure as a wife and mom and I want to be able to look back and say see thats what happened and I have proof.
So its off and away we go... Let me introduce you to Logan Jude. She is the light of my life, my chunky monkey, the reason I get up in the middle of the night. She was by all accounts an "oops" but that oops has changed my life, for the better. So heres a peek of her..get used to it you will see alot of her, and hear alot about her. Its just the way it is.
Isnt that what people always say when you are starting off on some new adventure? If thats the case my friends then this year has had and is going to have alot of those.
Today for instance may not be the first day of the rest of my life but it is certainly the first day of me getting back into blogging. Not that I ever really started but who's paying attention.
I cant promise to blog everyday or even every other day. I can promise to try and be entertaining, insightful and perhaps for the most part a little self loathing. I also promise to post numerous pictures of life, because as I start off on my new adventure as a wife and mom and I want to be able to look back and say see thats what happened and I have proof.
So its off and away we go... Let me introduce you to Logan Jude. She is the light of my life, my chunky monkey, the reason I get up in the middle of the night. She was by all accounts an "oops" but that oops has changed my life, for the better. So heres a peek of her..get used to it you will see alot of her, and hear alot about her. Its just the way it is.
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