Love of a child

I gave birth to Logan on March 17, 2010. She weighed in at a whopping 12lbs 13oz and was a little over 22 inches long. She was a huge bundle of baby love.

For the months leading up to her birth I agonized over whether or not I would have enough love inside myself to give. The few times I voiced this out loud to anyone I was always quickly reassured that as soon as they put her in my arms all of my doubts would go away and I would be filled with this unimaginable love. So off I went through the rest of my pregnancy constantly reassuring myself that yes of course as soon as they put her in your arms you will be complete.

And then I had her..I held her in my arms..and instantly had no idea what the hell was going on. I didn't feel that maternal surge that everyone kept talking about. I mean she was gorgeous in her own smooshy faced way. I instantly recognized myself in her but I just didn't become as overwhelmed as I thought I would. I was in awe but not yet in love, and extremely confused. The surge of emotions that I felt came out of nowhere. For the next few weeks I found myself crying for no apparent reason, exhausted beyond belief and had this overwhelming sense of guilt for being over the moon in love with my child. And then towards the end of April, I ended up in the ER with what I thought was a heart attack, (ended up being gallstones, but that's an entirely different post). I had to spend the night away from Logan and Mike for the first time in over 9 months ( if you include the time I was pregnant) and the entire time all I could think about was Logan (and Mike). If I died would she ever know how much I really loved her?

This was ground breaking for me. Because even though I hadn't realized it I had fallen head over heels in love with my daughter. She became in that moment one of the most important things in my life.

You might wonder where the hell I am going with this post. And really I don't know. I was just standing in her doorway today watching Mike feed her and thinking holy shit, I love the crap out of those two. I finally realized what all of those people were talking about. It might not have happened right away the second I touched her,but it happened.It snuck up on me in a way I never thought it would.


So anyways, I am sure by writing this I am not making the best impression, but I feel like its one of those things that people don't talk enough about. Becoming a parent is different for everyone. It involves emotions that are beyond complex and totally impossible to understand at times but hey its life.

So we roll with punches and take each day one step at a time. And occasionally we give ourselves permission to not be so hard on ourselves. But only occasionally......